Avon Walk and the Many Conversations Had this Weekend

This weekend I participated in Avon Walk NY.  Last year I signed up to Crew the NY Walk and walk the Charlotte Walk. Unfortunately, for various reasons I will not be making it to Charlotte but I’m so glad I signed up for both walks. This weekend provided me a perfect opportunity to view the walk from a different perspective.

                When I first participated in Avon Walk NY, I was still in graduate school. I went into it knowing that I could not possibly walk 39.3 miles over two days and I knew I could only participate in the first day because I had a class on Sunday. For some reason as Cheryl and I approached 13.1 miles one of the bikers stopped and told me that I was incredible. The following year when I saw her again, I thanked her for telling me that. Last year, I almost completely missed her between my walking slowly and her being rerouted to places in which we did not walk. The second day I ran into her and told her how I was searching for her on day one and was so happy to see her on day two. Yesterday, as we waited for closing ceremony, I had the pleasure of seeing her very briefly. I hugged her and said hello and this year I got to be this person for others.

                When I signed up for the Avon Walk Crew I knew I wanted to stay on Randall’s Island so I signed up for Information Services (IS). I also recruited a high school classmate to join me on crew as well. Information Services/crew had its pluses and minuses. We reported to duty at 4am on Saturday. We had a lot of downtime to the point that I almost started dozing off. But the plus was that we were located right next to the finish line for Day One. So at around 2pm when the walkers finally started making it to the Island things picked up. I don’t think I did half of what we were responsible for as I parked myself at the finish line and cheered in the walkers for 5 hours nonstop. As a walker, when you cross that line you see the people clapping, you pause to take a photo, then you beeline to medical services. I never even realized the IS tent was right there. I’m not even sure that I remember anyone that specifically cheered for me at the point.

                This year I stood until my knee hurt and then I sat at the finish line cheering as loudly as possible for all the walkers. I helped take walker’s photos. And then I had the pleasure of distributing the Every Three Minutes Ribbon. See every three minutes someone is diagnosed with breast cancer, so Avon distributes sashes throughout the walk to acknowledge the folks diagnosed during the enter walk. The walk is started with the sashes and then it closes with the last ribbon being given to the master of ceremonies. I received my ribbon two years ago after walking into a concrete bench in the first 5 miles; it is proudly displayed on my bedroom mirror. Between 5-6pm, I had the pleasure of giving them out. I gave it to the folks that cried as they crossed and those that looked like they were in serious pain. One woman seemed to get injured days before the walk and crossed the finish line with a black eye and tears. I didn’t fully understand the story she told me as I put the ribbon on her but I hugged her because she needed it.  The last person I put a ribbon on was all but carried across the finish line by her family. They crossed the line and as they set her down I swept in with a ribbon. Medical services arrived with a wheelchair and swept her off to help. I never realized how many people cross the line in tears.

                While I cheered folks on from the starting line, I also got to meet folks. There was a family waiting for their family members to cross the line and asked that I cheered them on when they crossed. A woman who made it to mile marker 19 asked me to cheer for her brother who walked the 26.2 when he crossed the line. I cheered them both on and then took their photos for them! Then two women pulled up chairs behind me. They were walkers that decided to rejoin the line and cheer everyone on! We talked for a good while as they waited for their teams to arrive. They have both only ever walked NY and did it for 7 years each… That was the first time they met and have promised to combine teams next year. I may join them as well!  

                During the day I also reconnected with folks I walked with in the past. The three women that swept me up after lunch two years ago spotted me as they got their feet massaged. I spotted them as they left that area. They are well and planning to walk Chicago next year. I saw the mother and daughter pair I linked up with during my second and third walk as well. But the one person I was looking for I did not see cross the finish line. And after 5 hours of cheering I decided dinner was required so I went to the big tent for a meal. I talked with some people crew and walkers a like and then decided it was time to return to my duties. As I stood up I heard someone scream my name. I followed the sound and there she was, my former tent mate. I squealed ran to her and hugged both her and her daughter! I can’t tell you how awesome it was to get a hug from them. It made my night.

On day one we worked from 4am until 9:30pm. We were up at 4:30 to prep for the walkers on day two as they started their day. I had breakfast with the tent and luggage crew; boy does their job sound grueling. It was freezing on Sunday morning. I don’t think I ever saw so much Mylar at the start of the walk before.  The warm up for day two was “head shoulders knees and toes.” So cute watching walkers stretch it out to something we did in grade school! And then they were off. I cheered them on all over again at the top of my lungs. I did tease them a bit with saying they were almost at the finish line when in reality there was still 13.1 miles between where we were and where it was. But they laughed and appreciated it all the same. One walker thanked me then hugged me out of nowhere. The woman whose brother I cheered in came up to me with camera in hand. I asked if she wanted me to take a picture of them as they started the walk that day and she said, “no, I want to take a picture with you!” I obliged the request, I was honored honestly. She thanked me for the day before and I wished them both well as they started their day. I also saw Kristine and daughter and Deidre and her mom as they started their walk (both were mentioned namelessly earlier). One gentleman asked us how he could get off the island as he was too sore to continue that day and there were stragglers that had to have coffee first. By 8:15am the walkers were headed off the Island and we started to break everything down.

By the time we made it to the pier, I lost track of most of my IS crew but we promised to send pictures and to see each other again next year as walkers and crew. Only 4 of us (Heather, Layla, Christian and I) made it to the end of closing ceremonies (the first time I ever made it through to the end). But it was nice to just lounge around and catch up with familiar faces, congratulate strangers, share our breast cancer stories, and just absorb the entire experience. I spoke with one woman who walked for the first time and I spoke of my disappointment in not reaching my fundraising goal for Charlotte. It was the first year I wasn’t going to get my $2,200 hat. She gave me hers making me promise to wear it. I started wearing it immediately. I also got to speak with my former coworker who volunteered during the walk (crew are still volunteers but have a different presence during the event). I reconnected with my cheering buddies and was told I was one of the highlights of their walk. I got to see Kristine at the end as well and I got to meet her husband, her other daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend. While I talked with Kristine a woman ran up to me and thanked me for cheering her in after walking 26.2 miles. She said that as they hit that last stretch all she heard was me on my toy megaphone cheering them on. And then she noticed I was cheering while she get her feet worked on in the Spaaahh and noticed I was still out there after she went to the medical area. She thought I was there for at least 2 hours and that was incredible to her. I went and sat with her (Andrea) and her sister (Carla) and we spoke for 20 minutes. We talked about the experience at large and they both thanked me. We spoke about the tenting experience, to them as uncomfortable as it was to sleep in the tent they realized it paled in comparison to what those undergoing treatment face and so of course they would tent. They almost made me cry and now they have my card and I hope to hear from them throughout the year.

But the most awesome part was closing ceremony. The walkers walk in first but get stopped by a gate, the survivors (walkers) get a place of honor at the foot of the stage, and then crew filters in between them. The same people we cheered on during the walk cheered us on as we took our spot. I got so many high fives at that moment then Andrea came up to the gate grabbed my hand and said thanks to me specifically. Wow! I managed to make it through the entire weekend without crying but of course closing ceremony would chip away at that. I sobbed for a few good minutes. Christian (my Avon Walk recruit) lent me his shoulder. We all held hands as the ceremony came to an end. And we all hugged each other turned around and headed home. It was during these last few hours on the pier that I decided that for as long as I’m able I have to make the Avon Walk an annual part of my life! I’m registered to walk NY next year but I promised IS that I once I cross the line and take care of my own physical needs I will join the line and cheer everyone in. I almost feel bad that I will be a walker after having become for so many others what that biker woman was for me 4 years ago.

While this year I gained a greater appreciation for American Cancer Society’s Making Strides Walk, it just isn’t the Avon Walk. It’s a great movement but there’s something to be said for walking 39.3 miles, having doctors and specialist pampering you, getting wrapped in a Three Minute Ribbon, showering in a truck, sleeping in a pink tent on Randall’s Island, holding hands with total strangers, crying and laughing with new friends, and seeing your $1,800 minimum fundraising fee be handed out in big checks in totals of $50,000 and greater to local organizations. It just can’t be matched. I’m so proud to be part of the movement and I thank each and every one of you that that has donated, trained with me, or just sent me well wishes throughout the years. The impact on your support has on others just can’t be measured and can’t adequately but put into words. On behalf of all the lives you have helped me touch, “THANK YOU!”

There is still time to donate to my Charlotte Walk if you feel so inclined. While I won’t be there this weekend I would still love to hit the minimum fundraising fee. Just go to info.avonfoundation.org/goto/kmarie2012. 

Thank you again!

To the Two Men in my Life...

Tonight's post is brought to you courtesy of two men that I have seriously grown to love over the last year and a half and the conversations I had with them today.

See if you have been reading along you already know that there is a guy that I care deeply about. Over the last few weeks he's be the first and last thing on my mind. I won't say that I'm in love with him but I do love him. I love him enough that the many quirks that are him fail to bother me. I think he's such an incredible guy with such noble qualities. When I am with him, I don't worry. I'm not a participant in the dating game. I am just me. No matter what condition or state of being I am in when I'm with him it's always accepted and welcomed with loving arms. One can become very spoiled by this. But there's so much more; he's also handsome, has a huge heart, family motivated, passionate about his career, and a hard worker. He sets his mind on goals and he makes them happen. These are all amazing qualities and I only want to give him the best life has to offer. He's deserving of good  and I'd want nothing more than to be that person to give it to him.

But... yes there is of course a but to this story... but over the last few days I've realized he just doesn't feel the same. This is not to say that he doesn't care about me. He does but I just think our investment levels are different. Our agreement to take time to figure us out has mainly been me trying to figure us out. One day this week I jokingly asked if I could keep him and he replied, "that remains to be be decided." I'm sure he thought that was a joke but to me it was a clear indication of where I stood. That was a weighted statement in a lighthearted moment and it hurt. And today hurt more.

This afternoon he reached out to me and we exchanged a few pleasant texts. I then asked when we were meeting up. See I had been promised time during his vacation so I waited patiently for two weeks before trying to meet up with him again. He then rattled off all the days of the week in which he was busy and offered me the leftovers. So I replied that apparently patience didn't work to my benefit. His reply mentioned that he didn't want his staycation to be all about staying home like his last one was. But he missed the part where his comment made me feel less than important. I shouldn't be his first priority but with the promise of part of his vacation I thought I'd at least be in the know that it started. It sucks to know I was the last to be given time. I wasn't event important enough for him to ask me when we were getting together; I had to ask.

I'm not sure why I'm surprised. Though we agreed to see things out, we did so knowing two facts: he was not ready to be in a relationship and I am not able to just be his friend. I just didn't think that seeing things through meant in someways chasing him or being strung along. And that's what it feels like lately. I love him dearly. I would love for us to give us a try but that requires both of us, not just me. So reality is finally setting in and we rode this out as long as we could. I love me too much to expose myself to too much more of this. I truly and sincerely hope that he finds someone that will give him the world and that she will be someone that he in turn wants to give the world to as well. I hope I find someone that one day will make me feel as great as time with him did but with the intention of making me feel that way always.

But I said this blog was about two men and you've only heard about one.

Some time last year this guy randomly attached himself to me. We are part of the same organization and for some reason in December we went from two folks that said hi when at the same place to people that text daily. I totally could not figure out what his deal was and why he insisted on us being friends. You know that old saying that men and women can't just be friends so for a while I really tried to figure out if he liked me,  did I liked him, and what exactly changed to make us constantly contact each other.

As we approach this upcoming December he has proven to be a great guy, a huge ally, and an amazing friend. His persistence in getting to know me and ask questions has created a bond of sorts. When I was struggling to cope with my new financial situation I realized how important he has become to me. He offered me an ear and a financial gift, not a loan. Prideful me rejected the offer but as kind as some friends have been few have offered that kind of help. Most want to give me unsolicited advice or review my resume; neither of which are particularly helpful and are often times hurtful. But the way he offered let me know that it wasn't a handout, it was a kind gesture from one friend to another that I have often made to others in my life. Few have ever offered in a similar fashion.

So tonight I texted him what I thought about the gentleman mentioned above. And unlike my other guy friends that would just say, "his lost" and change topics, he inquired why I felt as I did. So I explained the last few interactions. He then concurred stating that if a guy is really interested in you he'll make time for you. Though I'm a bit emotional tonight, I appreciated the answer from a guy's prospective. He didn't dismiss my thoughts or feelings and he gave me honest feedback. He didn't humor me or dismiss me and told me the truth even though it could be hurtful. He's done this with other sensitive topics as well and its appreciated.

As much as I pick fights with him about the things he does that irritates me, his friendship has really been a gift in this last year. He's super busy these days with his career so contact is not as frequent as it once was but I know that I can rely on him and I look forward to this friendship expanding as the years go by. I hope I can return the favor as well. It's not frequent that people as cool as him enter your life and I write this post to him as a token of appreciation for the many conversations we have had including the ones that were less than pleasant. I hope he knows after reading this how much I appreciate him.

In conclusion...

There is no real button or bow to put on this blog. My heart hurts knowing that I will not be loved in the way that I'd prefer from someone I love. But my heart is full of joy and appreciation for this dear friend that I'm quickly adding to my inner circle of friends. And I think if they both read this blog they will both know just how loved they are by me. And if there's one thing I learned today from my aunt who is gravely ill, it's so important to tell those that you love that you love them while you have the time. While the blog started out being dedicated to two men that I truly love, it's really about how key it is to express your love and appreciation for others! It may or may not ever be reciprocated but hopefully it will be appreciated.

Mentorship Moments

Like most folks, I have a slightly fractured extended extended family. Somewhere along the way in either my grandparent's generation or my parents', the family managed to splinter a bit. And so my group has been left to pick up the pieces and put it back together. I have become the self appointed keeper of the files. This has, at times, put me in awkward positions but it has also allowed me to have an experience that I didn't have as the baby of my household. I've gotten to play big sibling of sorts to my younger family members.

For instance, I have a male cousin that is approximately 10 years my junior. And like many young men raised in a big city, he has had a hard go of it. Because he is a black male, he spent his formative years praying just to see 18.  The problem with living only for 18 is that he has no plan for 20 and greater. These days he finds himself in a constant struggle between childish ways and his hopes to reach his potential without any direction as to how to get from point A to point B.

This is where I come in. I have offered to help to get him into college and I have offered to help him find a career path. What I won't do is drag him or push him through life, he has got to take the reigns. Our typical interactions are as follows:
     He reaches out and tells me what he wants.
     I give him next steps.
     He ignores my advice and does his own and very different thing.
He's never followed any of my next steps but he has thanked me for listening to him and for not thinking that his ideas are far fetched. He's never really had that before. And when I saw a more personal cry for help on Facebook the other day, I took the initiative to call and listen further. I've also recently, unbeknownst to him, advocated on his behalf with another family member. See being a big cousin/mentor doesn't mean you'll be listened to. Nor does it mean holding someone's hand all the time but it does mean listening, supporting, encouraging, and at times defending them. Even if they do not know all that you've done for them behind the scenes..

I have another new cousin as well. She instant messages me rather frequently. She usually wants to talk about her boyfriend. She too never listens to my advice but I try constantly to plant little seeds of wisdom. See she recently graduated HS and leading up to the big day, I'd often ask what her future plans were. Was she planning on attending college? What kind of work/career was she interested in? She was usually unresponsive but it was so happy when she mentioned she was enrolled in college. She is very love oriented so I often ask her about other things just to get her to realize that life is about so much more. This week she asked me a huge question. She wanted to know if she should tattoo her boyfriend's name on her body. I said no and gave examples as to why that might be a bad idea. She seemed determined to do it anyway so I simply suggested that she wait until she was married. Essentially, she should hold out on that idea until "forever" has been more solidified. Later in the week we talked about Obama and voting. I was happy to hear that she wanted to watch the debate and that even though her boyfriend would not be voting she would be. With this cousin, I try very hard to not past judgement and I just meet her where she is and plant a few seeds of wisdom in between the talks about her boyfriend.

In addition to trying to provide an ear and guidance to my new younger family members I am also a mentor. I mentor three young ladies in college. My newest mentee has been the hardest to pin down. For every three emails I send, I get one in response, but this week she actually treated me like a mentor and asked me a question. She wanted to know what factors she should consider when declaring her major and of course I was stumped. In this tenuous economy the answer isn't as clear cut but 5 paragraphs later I simply said study what you love, what you are good at, intern all you can and if you are good at the science tech stuff even better!

And while I've only spoken about the guidance I've provided, we mentors aren't without our own needs for mentors. My mentor was also my elementary school teacher. She has left the classroom and is now exactly where I'd like to be but I'm years and years behind her even though she's only 11 years my senior. Yesterday I sent a personal email to my inner circle. And though she has been less than mentor like recently, I included her in the email. My hope is that she would see my plea for help and throw me a life jacket or at least toss me a rope; she did. We will meet soon to share trade secrets and as I climb my latter to success you best believe I will share those and more to those on rungs below mine.

I heard the best statement in a meeting this year. Your goal in life should be to be the footnote in the life of another. Whether its a family member, a friend, a neighborhood kid, a new younger colleague/employee, I challenge you to pass it on.  Bill Gates has admittedly left a huge legacy with his Microsoft innovations but the legacy that will never die is the many lives his foundation and philanthropic efforts will impact. So whose footnote will you be? And to those that received a hand up from someone ahead in the race but sure to thank them. Take a moment and thank them for the encouragement and support they've provided and then thank them by passing it on! It's the only way will we all really progress.

Make You Want to Scream!!!

Today I received a small gift from God in the form of a letter from the Department of Labor. It seems that because my severance package was so large (extending into another quarter) and because I temped for three weeks I was able to continue collecting unemployment. The problem is that the income is definitely below the poverty line and would require me to live on 15% of the income I had when I was working.

My response was to cry but also just to see it as a blessing. I was headed towards getting kicked out of the program so to know that a meager income was still forthcoming is a relief. Knowing that I will essentially have to live off of less than $3 a hour a week is quite difficult.

But rather than follow my instincts and curl up in a ball, I decided to be proactive. I called my student loan provider. Like many Americans I have a pretty hefty student loan. When I decided to attend NYU I was tricked into getting a personal loan. My federal loans covered my tuition for the most part but I didn't think about it when NYU's financial aid office suggested getting a private loan to help subsidize expenses. I applied not realizing the ramifications it would have later.

Fast forwarding years later, I'm now stuck with a loan that has no mercy. Federal loans have many ways that allow you to defer on the grounds of unemployment. Private loans not so much. I had a lengthy conversation with a very knowledgeable customer service rep with my loan carrier. It seems that without having a date in which I know that money will come, I cannot defer my loan even though I have no money.

They ask two main questions. "Why don't you have money? And do you know what date you will be able to say you will have money again?" But when you are unemployed the answer is simply no. You don't know when you will have enough income to cover the bill again. You don't know what some nice employer will take a gamble on you and offer you a position.

According to the customer service rep, their former practice was to allow deferments but according to the government their practice was a bit illegal. The argument being, they were charging interest for every deferment and upon the reactivation of the loan the bill would be higher and people could not afford the bill (think sublime lending). So the government stepped in making it harder to defer the loan.

Yes, I can pause my bigger loan due to economic hardship, but nothing can help me with this loan. The only option is to lie about a possible income source and pray they approve it and that in two months you are able to pay. Or the more likely option is to default on the loan. It just amazes me that the only option for someone trying to do the right thing is default. I'm not like I'm purposefully ducking my responsibility. It's not like I changed my phone number or moved to avoid paying but there's no option other option. Lie and pray, or default, you can't even pay the loan on a graduated basis.  Remember when this was an option?

So here I am, a woman that bought into the American dream. I obtained several degrees in pursuit of a higher income and here I am with $80k in student loans and an annual income of less than $10k. I tried to work with my loan provider and instead all that conversation did was make me want to scream and shake someone. Why is default the only option? It just makes no sense. I don't need a medical emergency to bankrupt me, education is doing a great job of that already. But oddly enough you can clear student loans when you file for bankruptcy. Go figure!

The Importance of Lending an Ear

This past week has been incredibly hard. I have been stuck in a bit of a haze afraid of tomorrow. What caused the haze? Well if my math is correct, Sunday was my last day to register for unemployment. There is still no job on the horizon and the bills will keep rolling in. Many of my loving friends and family inquire about my job search second to the standard, "how are you's". But this week answering this simple question has not been so easy. I've been trying not to think about it and yet here they come along reminding me of the three rejection letters I received this week or the fact that there is no more money on the horizon...The plus is there are a few out there who really appreciate the fragile state I've been in.

On Saturday night I made the mistake of reaching out (for support) to someone who constantly professes his love for me even though the feeling is not mutual. We have this pattern. After months of silence he reaches out. We talk as friends until he can no longer hold his feelings back and commences to share. Somehow or another this leads to a guilt trip, which leads to a fight, which leads to another prolonged silence. This has been our story for years.

As I was reaching my boiling point, I saw my other friend's FB light on. She and I went to college together and somehow we managed to stay in touch post college (trust me this is relatively rare for me). She and I started talking and I just told her all about my stresses. She's admittedly one of the few I divulge a lot to. I explained to her how I spent the night prior on the brink of tears as I tried to figure out how to survive. I also told her about the person that tried to give me a pick me up speech that inadvertently made me feel worse earlier in the day.

And she replied the best way possible. She simply said she could only imagine how I felt. She understood what it was like to work up the energy to put a smile on your face to survive then have someone say the one wrong thing that put a chink in the armor and crumbling the facade. She was absolutely on point. She then gave me suggestions about listening to the signs and encouraged me to try something different. I left that conversation reaching out to past connects to see if there were any leads I hadn't thought about. Everything she said was absolutely on point and it helped to know that someone understood the daily struggle I had been in all week.

The next day I returned to church. Summer traveling and volunteer opportunities took me away from attending regularly. As service ended a lady from a past bible study walked up to me, asked how I was, and then asked the question I feared most. "How's the job search?" I told her don't ask because she was going to make me cry. And seconds later the tears streamed down my face. Moments later my bible study leader walked up to us and I sobbed some more. Here I was, the person that used to pride myself for my stoic nature, crying uncontrollably in front of newer friends.

The leader gave me two huge hugs then told me his wife's meatloaf antidote. It's essentially a newer interpretation of the straw that broke the camel's back. Imagine just having that kind of day where a lot of little things go wrong. You keep your composure and keep trucking along until that moment where you realized that you burned the meatloaf. At this you just lose it. Of course the meatloaf isn't really the problem, it was just that last issue that piled on top of the rest.

For the next five or so minutes my church family stayed with me. Encouraged me. Promised to pray on my behalf. The leader even offered to speak to the church pastors on my behalf to get aid from them. I told him no need but promised that if it gets bad enough that I would reach out myself. I then pulled it together enough to attend the church party after the service, but there was something so wonderful about having these two people just offer an ear and a prayer to little ole me at a time where I just couldn't fake the funk.

So in a matter of two days I had two conversations with three people that if nothing else just reminded me that we aren't alone out here. It reminded me that this burden doesn't have to be solely mine. Granted there is not much that any of them could do for me short of hiring me but it's great to just be able to talk. A good conversation where one isn't afraid to share their truer rawer emotions can really be a larger help than a donation could ever be. I'm so glad they were there to listen this weekend.

The Accidental Life Changing Conversation

I had the best conversation ever the other night. After almost a year and a half since we parted ways, a gentleman and I decided it was time to meet up again. The brief history of us is as follows. Girl meets Boy. Girl falls for Boy. Boy won't commit. Girl gets hurt. Boy and Girl go separate ways. It's your typical NY love story, one might say.

Though this was our first meeting in almost 18 months, the silence was actually broken some months ago. Here and there we would send random "hello" texts. However, recently his texts started including "I miss you's." I refused to reply likewise; instead I'd say of course you do to myself that is. After all, I was great and he passed me up. Yep, I was clearly enjoying the fact that he might finally be realizing mine was a presence he didn't want gone, but I'd never give him the satisfaction of knowing my thoughts on the matter.

But this week I found myself stressed and needing a distraction from life and he was on vacation. I randomly asked if he was up for a movie. And he responded favorably. Then I started asking myself why did I ask him out? Why do I want to see him? Is this a good idea or is it simply a recipe for disaster? Would he become my booze on a depressed day? I seriously thought I kicked this self destructive pattern of running to guys for comfort, for escape.

I consulted with a brilliant friend who simply suggested that I wait until the day of to see how I felt. If I felt up to it then I should make it happen. If I dreaded the idea, I could always back out.

Wednesday morning I woke up deciding to go through with the meet up.

I arrived at the theater a little late. He was standing outside looking as dapper as always. And we greeted each other with an uncomfortable dance. You know the one where you try to figure out what's appropriate these days. Clearly our customary lip lock wouldn't work and a handshake would be super awkward so a hug it was...but how long should the embrace last? Too short would seem insulting and too long would also send the wrong message. After the odd hug, the rest of the evening went smoothly.

We were early for the next round of movies so we grabbed a light bite to eat while we waited. He was bent on hearing my update. I was more interested in his. The next hour of updates flew by and it was suddenly time to catch the flick.

We of course sat next to a couple that talked for half the film and smooched the other half. I can't be mad at them because as he later reminded me, though this was our forth movie we attended together, it was only the second we actually fully watched.

Post movie I think we both realized it was time to get down to the nitty gritty. He asked why I asked him out. I was honest. Men are my alcohol and I needed the distraction from my life. I also finally confessed that I also missed his company... as the conversation continued we talked very honestly about the fall out after the partying of ways.

See back then I really liked him and I took every opportunity to spend time with him even showing up at his job. The problem is I had to avoid his employer for at least a month after, as I feared running into him. That may sound easy enough but he works for a major industry you can't avoid in NY.

We both being night owls decide that the night was still too young to part ways at 11pm. We found a bench and continued to talk. We talked about our different approaches to relationships. See while I'm not particularly looking for love at the moment, I am open to the possibly of finding it. If you come into my purview and I feel that spark then I feel obligated to see things through. On the other hand, he can meet the perfect woman but because of where he is in life he'll pass up the opportunity because he's not sure he's ready for more.

The question I posed was simple; how do you not pursue love just because you are not "ready?" Can one ever really be ready? Don't we owe it to ourselves to try either way?

At some point he tried to break it down for me. According to him, and I'm paraphrasing, he doesn't want to pursue something to later realize its not working. I immediately pointed out that in any relationship there is a gamble but then a light went on in my head at the same moment. He's afraid.

What I have not told you about this gentleman is that he is divorced. He married young to a woman he gave it all too. He sacrificed much for her and things fell apart. Its demise was not without warning signs but when you are blindly in love you tend to be overly blind. He was devastated. And rightly so. When you date someone there is always the possibility of it ending but if you are old school like he is, once you say "I do" its with the intention of forever. How do you bounce back after forever fails? Nothing is ever the same.

And there in lied the problem with this guy. It's not that he doesn't feel right or ready, it's that he doesn't know how to be or want to be vulnerable again. Can you ever give the same way again? Can you ever risk your heart the same way again?

After we dated he tried his hand at a relationship with another young woman. And it ended. It ended if you asked him because he was still stick on ex, you know like some people are stuck on stupid. But when I listened to him explain the end of his last relationship what I heard was rather than work through his reopened wound, courtesy of an update on his ex, he withdrew. But hurt happens. Exes for good or bad are part of the package as you move forward. And while you can't make your current pay for your ex's sins, they should be sensitive to the pain of your past.

I used myself as an example. A trauma I suffered courtesy of an ex won't go away. It just won't, so I warn potential guys about the fact that they will push a button, they will trigger a response that I can't fully anticipate. I tell them in but so many words, "don't think I'm crazy, don't think I'm likening you to the bad in my life, just understand it will happen, be patient as I work through it and help me through it if you are willing."

The damage his ex did is not going to go away. He invested too much of himself into that relationship for the impact of it to just go away. But if he knew that feeling some sort of way didn't necessarily undermine what he was building with his newest lady friend, he could still be happily taken today, rather than parting ways. But rather than share the load with this young lady he withdrew.

So here we are at the heart of it all and at 3am the conversation switched to something so much bigger than two people who are trying to figure out if there will be a tomorrow for their story. I stopped pleading on my behalf. I stopped being hurt because he pulled away from me. The conversation became a plea from me to him to give love a real try. See while I'd love to see how our story would have really played out, I wanted him to shake his fears and live and love freely. So I asked two things of him.

The first thing I asked was that he learn how to share his needs and burdens. He gave everything to a woman that didn't care about what he needed. And this isn't me vilifying her, it's his truth. He gave up his needs to accommodate her selfish wants. So I asked him to learn to share his needs, wants, and hurts. You can't be in a healthy relationship if you can't share how you really feel and what you really need. I urged him to go to therapy, not because I think he's crazed but because it will help him practice sharing. It will give him a safe non-biased sounding board. It will help him deal with the fear he's been nurturing and letting hold him back from loving freely.

My second plea was that when someone comes along who wants to invest in him, he should let them. He should drop everything and try to figure things out with her. This isn't the same as invest heavily in every woman who comes his way but if someone is pursuing him like I once did he owes it to himself to see if anything is there.

Forgive me as I take a side step to explain this one further. This gentleman in question has spent a lot of energy on weight loss. When I saw him all this time later, I saw a skinny dude. What he sees is what's left lingering around his midsection. He only sees his flaws and can't see the amazing accomplishment I saw when I looked at him. Those on the outside that take the time to see us sometimes see so much more than we actually see in ourselves.

This is why I asked him to promise me if another woman comes his way begging for his attention, to indulge her. If someone comes and wants to show him how much more he deserves, he should let them. If someone comes along and cares about his wants and needs, he owes it to himself to investigate what it is she is offering. She may not be the right person in the long run but she may have something incredible to offer him, like a better view of who he is that he can't yet see or simply needs to be reminded of.

The night started with so much anxiety. Was meeting up a good idea? Would it open me up to more hurt? Should I have canceled? I came to find out he too had the same concerns and anxieties. And to be completely honest the attraction between us is still very much there but I left that conversation feeling like we were both headed towards healing. He was finally starting to see how he deserves amazing and how he can get closer to getting it. And somehow I got closure. I got to tell him how amazing I think he is, how hurt I was by our split, and I finally wrap my head around why things ended.

I may never get to see the ending to the story I hoped for almost two years ago as our story started, but that conversation was more than I could have asked for and was so much larger than us. I'm sharing it with you now in hopes that you find some nuggets in it for yourself.