The Importance of Lending an Ear

This past week has been incredibly hard. I have been stuck in a bit of a haze afraid of tomorrow. What caused the haze? Well if my math is correct, Sunday was my last day to register for unemployment. There is still no job on the horizon and the bills will keep rolling in. Many of my loving friends and family inquire about my job search second to the standard, "how are you's". But this week answering this simple question has not been so easy. I've been trying not to think about it and yet here they come along reminding me of the three rejection letters I received this week or the fact that there is no more money on the horizon...The plus is there are a few out there who really appreciate the fragile state I've been in.

On Saturday night I made the mistake of reaching out (for support) to someone who constantly professes his love for me even though the feeling is not mutual. We have this pattern. After months of silence he reaches out. We talk as friends until he can no longer hold his feelings back and commences to share. Somehow or another this leads to a guilt trip, which leads to a fight, which leads to another prolonged silence. This has been our story for years.

As I was reaching my boiling point, I saw my other friend's FB light on. She and I went to college together and somehow we managed to stay in touch post college (trust me this is relatively rare for me). She and I started talking and I just told her all about my stresses. She's admittedly one of the few I divulge a lot to. I explained to her how I spent the night prior on the brink of tears as I tried to figure out how to survive. I also told her about the person that tried to give me a pick me up speech that inadvertently made me feel worse earlier in the day.

And she replied the best way possible. She simply said she could only imagine how I felt. She understood what it was like to work up the energy to put a smile on your face to survive then have someone say the one wrong thing that put a chink in the armor and crumbling the facade. She was absolutely on point. She then gave me suggestions about listening to the signs and encouraged me to try something different. I left that conversation reaching out to past connects to see if there were any leads I hadn't thought about. Everything she said was absolutely on point and it helped to know that someone understood the daily struggle I had been in all week.

The next day I returned to church. Summer traveling and volunteer opportunities took me away from attending regularly. As service ended a lady from a past bible study walked up to me, asked how I was, and then asked the question I feared most. "How's the job search?" I told her don't ask because she was going to make me cry. And seconds later the tears streamed down my face. Moments later my bible study leader walked up to us and I sobbed some more. Here I was, the person that used to pride myself for my stoic nature, crying uncontrollably in front of newer friends.

The leader gave me two huge hugs then told me his wife's meatloaf antidote. It's essentially a newer interpretation of the straw that broke the camel's back. Imagine just having that kind of day where a lot of little things go wrong. You keep your composure and keep trucking along until that moment where you realized that you burned the meatloaf. At this you just lose it. Of course the meatloaf isn't really the problem, it was just that last issue that piled on top of the rest.

For the next five or so minutes my church family stayed with me. Encouraged me. Promised to pray on my behalf. The leader even offered to speak to the church pastors on my behalf to get aid from them. I told him no need but promised that if it gets bad enough that I would reach out myself. I then pulled it together enough to attend the church party after the service, but there was something so wonderful about having these two people just offer an ear and a prayer to little ole me at a time where I just couldn't fake the funk.

So in a matter of two days I had two conversations with three people that if nothing else just reminded me that we aren't alone out here. It reminded me that this burden doesn't have to be solely mine. Granted there is not much that any of them could do for me short of hiring me but it's great to just be able to talk. A good conversation where one isn't afraid to share their truer rawer emotions can really be a larger help than a donation could ever be. I'm so glad they were there to listen this weekend.

The Accidental Life Changing Conversation

I had the best conversation ever the other night. After almost a year and a half since we parted ways, a gentleman and I decided it was time to meet up again. The brief history of us is as follows. Girl meets Boy. Girl falls for Boy. Boy won't commit. Girl gets hurt. Boy and Girl go separate ways. It's your typical NY love story, one might say.

Though this was our first meeting in almost 18 months, the silence was actually broken some months ago. Here and there we would send random "hello" texts. However, recently his texts started including "I miss you's." I refused to reply likewise; instead I'd say of course you do to myself that is. After all, I was great and he passed me up. Yep, I was clearly enjoying the fact that he might finally be realizing mine was a presence he didn't want gone, but I'd never give him the satisfaction of knowing my thoughts on the matter.

But this week I found myself stressed and needing a distraction from life and he was on vacation. I randomly asked if he was up for a movie. And he responded favorably. Then I started asking myself why did I ask him out? Why do I want to see him? Is this a good idea or is it simply a recipe for disaster? Would he become my booze on a depressed day? I seriously thought I kicked this self destructive pattern of running to guys for comfort, for escape.

I consulted with a brilliant friend who simply suggested that I wait until the day of to see how I felt. If I felt up to it then I should make it happen. If I dreaded the idea, I could always back out.

Wednesday morning I woke up deciding to go through with the meet up.

I arrived at the theater a little late. He was standing outside looking as dapper as always. And we greeted each other with an uncomfortable dance. You know the one where you try to figure out what's appropriate these days. Clearly our customary lip lock wouldn't work and a handshake would be super awkward so a hug it was...but how long should the embrace last? Too short would seem insulting and too long would also send the wrong message. After the odd hug, the rest of the evening went smoothly.

We were early for the next round of movies so we grabbed a light bite to eat while we waited. He was bent on hearing my update. I was more interested in his. The next hour of updates flew by and it was suddenly time to catch the flick.

We of course sat next to a couple that talked for half the film and smooched the other half. I can't be mad at them because as he later reminded me, though this was our forth movie we attended together, it was only the second we actually fully watched.

Post movie I think we both realized it was time to get down to the nitty gritty. He asked why I asked him out. I was honest. Men are my alcohol and I needed the distraction from my life. I also finally confessed that I also missed his company... as the conversation continued we talked very honestly about the fall out after the partying of ways.

See back then I really liked him and I took every opportunity to spend time with him even showing up at his job. The problem is I had to avoid his employer for at least a month after, as I feared running into him. That may sound easy enough but he works for a major industry you can't avoid in NY.

We both being night owls decide that the night was still too young to part ways at 11pm. We found a bench and continued to talk. We talked about our different approaches to relationships. See while I'm not particularly looking for love at the moment, I am open to the possibly of finding it. If you come into my purview and I feel that spark then I feel obligated to see things through. On the other hand, he can meet the perfect woman but because of where he is in life he'll pass up the opportunity because he's not sure he's ready for more.

The question I posed was simple; how do you not pursue love just because you are not "ready?" Can one ever really be ready? Don't we owe it to ourselves to try either way?

At some point he tried to break it down for me. According to him, and I'm paraphrasing, he doesn't want to pursue something to later realize its not working. I immediately pointed out that in any relationship there is a gamble but then a light went on in my head at the same moment. He's afraid.

What I have not told you about this gentleman is that he is divorced. He married young to a woman he gave it all too. He sacrificed much for her and things fell apart. Its demise was not without warning signs but when you are blindly in love you tend to be overly blind. He was devastated. And rightly so. When you date someone there is always the possibility of it ending but if you are old school like he is, once you say "I do" its with the intention of forever. How do you bounce back after forever fails? Nothing is ever the same.

And there in lied the problem with this guy. It's not that he doesn't feel right or ready, it's that he doesn't know how to be or want to be vulnerable again. Can you ever give the same way again? Can you ever risk your heart the same way again?

After we dated he tried his hand at a relationship with another young woman. And it ended. It ended if you asked him because he was still stick on ex, you know like some people are stuck on stupid. But when I listened to him explain the end of his last relationship what I heard was rather than work through his reopened wound, courtesy of an update on his ex, he withdrew. But hurt happens. Exes for good or bad are part of the package as you move forward. And while you can't make your current pay for your ex's sins, they should be sensitive to the pain of your past.

I used myself as an example. A trauma I suffered courtesy of an ex won't go away. It just won't, so I warn potential guys about the fact that they will push a button, they will trigger a response that I can't fully anticipate. I tell them in but so many words, "don't think I'm crazy, don't think I'm likening you to the bad in my life, just understand it will happen, be patient as I work through it and help me through it if you are willing."

The damage his ex did is not going to go away. He invested too much of himself into that relationship for the impact of it to just go away. But if he knew that feeling some sort of way didn't necessarily undermine what he was building with his newest lady friend, he could still be happily taken today, rather than parting ways. But rather than share the load with this young lady he withdrew.

So here we are at the heart of it all and at 3am the conversation switched to something so much bigger than two people who are trying to figure out if there will be a tomorrow for their story. I stopped pleading on my behalf. I stopped being hurt because he pulled away from me. The conversation became a plea from me to him to give love a real try. See while I'd love to see how our story would have really played out, I wanted him to shake his fears and live and love freely. So I asked two things of him.

The first thing I asked was that he learn how to share his needs and burdens. He gave everything to a woman that didn't care about what he needed. And this isn't me vilifying her, it's his truth. He gave up his needs to accommodate her selfish wants. So I asked him to learn to share his needs, wants, and hurts. You can't be in a healthy relationship if you can't share how you really feel and what you really need. I urged him to go to therapy, not because I think he's crazed but because it will help him practice sharing. It will give him a safe non-biased sounding board. It will help him deal with the fear he's been nurturing and letting hold him back from loving freely.

My second plea was that when someone comes along who wants to invest in him, he should let them. He should drop everything and try to figure things out with her. This isn't the same as invest heavily in every woman who comes his way but if someone is pursuing him like I once did he owes it to himself to see if anything is there.

Forgive me as I take a side step to explain this one further. This gentleman in question has spent a lot of energy on weight loss. When I saw him all this time later, I saw a skinny dude. What he sees is what's left lingering around his midsection. He only sees his flaws and can't see the amazing accomplishment I saw when I looked at him. Those on the outside that take the time to see us sometimes see so much more than we actually see in ourselves.

This is why I asked him to promise me if another woman comes his way begging for his attention, to indulge her. If someone comes and wants to show him how much more he deserves, he should let them. If someone comes along and cares about his wants and needs, he owes it to himself to investigate what it is she is offering. She may not be the right person in the long run but she may have something incredible to offer him, like a better view of who he is that he can't yet see or simply needs to be reminded of.

The night started with so much anxiety. Was meeting up a good idea? Would it open me up to more hurt? Should I have canceled? I came to find out he too had the same concerns and anxieties. And to be completely honest the attraction between us is still very much there but I left that conversation feeling like we were both headed towards healing. He was finally starting to see how he deserves amazing and how he can get closer to getting it. And somehow I got closure. I got to tell him how amazing I think he is, how hurt I was by our split, and I finally wrap my head around why things ended.

I may never get to see the ending to the story I hoped for almost two years ago as our story started, but that conversation was more than I could have asked for and was so much larger than us. I'm sharing it with you now in hopes that you find some nuggets in it for yourself.